Programming note

Say sayonara to this particular blog. When I named it, it was on a total lark and I had no idea where the hell I was going with it. Clearly, it's not going to where I originally thought it would. All previous posts and all new posts will now be located at Birdie Blogs Better.

In which we discuss the purpose of a personal motto...

(Fake editor's note: I just finished reading my first book of the year and it may come as a shock to know that said book was set in New York in the late 1800s, any peculiarities in my grammar and vocabulary at the moment can be attributed to the fact that I am, indeed, a damn dirty imitator when it comes to lingual patterns and tend to pick these things up easily. My apologies and more on that book in my next post.)

Right, so I really truly believe that a well rounded person requires some variety of personal motto or words to live by. These can be obtained from a variety of sources, really. Mine come from the internet, TV shows, and music. But I do feel fairly strongly on the matter.

I'm sure I have multiple reasons for feeling this way, but the one that I can pin down right now as being of particular importance is that I feel that having a motto or three gives you some kind of focus in your life, so that when things get difficult you have a single point of focus to get you through it. Wow that was a long sentence. I actually have 4 personal mottoes, all of which provide something different to me (two are actually retorts, but I love them desperately).

1. "Nothing in this world that is worth having comes easy." This I actually stole from an episode of Scrubs. I can't remember the name, but here's the video of it happening on YouTube. However, the concept itself goes back at least to one of the trials of Hercules (I forget which one) wherein he is given the choice to either take a long, winding, easy path which may or my not lead toward his ultimate goal (I forget what that was) or an incredibly difficult, but ultimately shorter, path that would lead directly to whatever the fuck it was he was after. I think one of the women who was offering to guide him was named Work or Virtue. If I could remember a damn thing about the story beyond that very basic outline, I would probably start attributing that quote to it instead of to a TV show because I always feel kind of shallow when attributing life changing quotes to comedy television shows.
2. "Every saint has a past, every sinner has a future." This one becomes hilariously rerouted, similarly to the Hercules to Scrubs quote. I think it may be an Oscar Wilde quote, but I actually got it from a song by the band Ludo. It's repeated nearly constantly in the song "Topeka" off the CD "You're Awful, I Love You." Good quote, though! And fortunately, Ludo is still obscure enough that even if I were stealing it from them nobody would catch me.
3. "I guess I'm not your kind of lady." Similar to quote #2 in that I totally stole it from a song, but it was probably originally said by an actual person. The full line is from the song "Anne Braden" by The Flobots, which is the story of a real life white civil rights activist from Mississippi in the 50s. In the song, Anne and a group of other white women have been arrested when trying to talk to the governor of Mississippi about Willie McGee and then...

Then from her cell she heard her jailers
Grumbling about outsiders
And when she called him out
And said she was from the south they shouted
"Why is a nice southern lady
Making trouble for the governor?"
She said, "I guess I'm not your type of lady
And I guess I'm not your type of southerner.
But before you call me traitor
Well it's plainest just to say
I was a child in Mississippi
But I'm ashamed of it today."

It's pretty safe to say that I fucking LOVE that song. Seriously. Regardless, I find the particular line I referenced above to be a great catch-all retort when someone accuses me of not being ladylike or some shit. I have no idea if the Flotbots' account account of what happened is accurate (the internet has failed me!) but the song is obscure enough that I don't feel like a total corporate whore.
4. "Go 'head and hate on me hater." This is another song one (noticing a theme here?). It's called "Hate On Me" and is originally sung by Jill Scott, however, I actually heard it the first time on an episode of Glee (outstanding). It usually fits as a retort in all situations that #3 does not cover. Let's face facts, I'm kind of a bitch. I find it to be quite useful to acknowledge that if someone isn't going to like you, let them go the fuck ahead and not like you. I got shit to do, and trying to win over someone who doesn't want to like me isn't high on my list.

Assuming I have any readers at this point, I'd love to hear what he or she thinks on the subject or any other good mottoes to keep in mind.

I Cannot Sew

How to Sew A Remote Control Caddy in 20 Easy Steps!

1. Find really cool looking flamingo patterned fabric in one of those "yard of precut fabric!" packages, purchase on a whim.
2. Leave in craft box for at least 3 months while you figure out the pattern.
3. Decide that a rectangle folded over on itself is just about the easiest freaking thing ever and suck it up.
4. Dig out fabric, measure approximately how tall the pocket should be. Fold it over.
5. Cut off rectangle of fabric approximtely as tall as pocket.
6. Get bored, put back in craft box for another couple of months before it migrates slowly under your bed.
7. Sometime in the next 2 months, decide you need the caddy and dig out fabric from floor under bed.
8. Have no idea why you cut the fabric in the first place. Pin right sides together and sew it back on.
9. Pin fabric into a tube and sew together. Realize fabric is really wrinkled (probably as a result of its multi-month long sojourn on the floor) and you should probably iron it and press the seams.
10. Remember iron is downstairs and you are not. Say "Eh, fuck it. It's a pocket that holds remotes" and continue on. Revisit this decision in all successive steps.
11. Sew bottom of tube shut, flip inside out.
12. Pour in plastic pellets (the kind you put in a hackeysack) into bottom of tube.
13. Attempt to sew a line of stitches over the top of where the pellets will be.
14. Accept that you are never going to actually get ALL the pellets stuck in the bottom. Aim for as many as possible.
15. Tuck in raw edges at open end, sew together.
16. Fold pocket up, pin and sew forming one long pocket.
17. Insert remotes and measure how big individual pockets should be.
18. Pin pockets.
19. Realize there is absolutely no way you're going to bother sewing individual pockets and remove pins.
20. Drape over end of something (such as arm of sofa or the bar on the side of my file cabinet). Insert remotes. Enjoy!

Happy Project Runway Day!

Well, actually Project Runway Day was a few days ago in New York (or maybe yesterday?) and I don't live in New York. But tonight was the premier of season 7 and that's good enough for me!

The thing about Project Runway is that it makes me think I'm good at sewing, which is not necessarily the case. I become the female/gay equivalent of that 45 year old former second string high school quarterback who watches the Super Bowl with a beer in his hand and talks about how the Vikings would be the team to beat this year if t hey could jut cover the spread (do they do that in football?) and how he TOTALLY could have made the pass that whatsisface just dropped. "Oh I know!" my brain says, "That is just a simple A-line skirt and tank top except they're sewn together! It's the embellishments and the draping that make it look so pretty! That is super simple! Me and my one semester of high school dress making and the sewing machine I haven't used in over a year can TOTALLY do that!"

At some point, my natural laziness kicks in and informs me that no, in fact, I cannot make patterns no matter how simple they may be. The sum total of my sewing is 2 Ren Fest costumes and 2 dresses, one of which split open! At a wedding!

Unfortunately, the Internet is not exactly helpful at this point. It is full of links to things I want to do and StumbleUpon lures me into scary places that show me neat things I want to do.

I recently came across a tutorial for making a dress form out of tape, which actually I had been brainstorming for a long time before finding out it's a "thing." I meant to do it over New Years, but failed. I need to locate an assistant who I can make apply tape to my body for several hours at a stretch before I can pull this off (pun unintended).

My secret desire is to start cosplaying. I want to cosplay She-Ra Princess of Power, Power Girl, and Sailor Jupiter. To be Jupier, I'm going to need to either get a wig or grow my hair out and dye it brown (natural blonde can I get a hell yeah?), but I am dedicated to this costume for personal reasons. She's abnormally tall, I'm abnormally tall. She likes to cook, I like to cook! She likes to beat up guys, I like to beat up guys! It's synergy!

Also, I may have taken a lot of OTC painkillers since my car accident including some Tylenol PM, so you'll need to forgive my babbling.

So okay, long story short, my secondary aspiration this year is to start sewing again. Yay sewing!

Mother Fucking OW!

It NEVER FAILS. Every single time I let my car get dirty, it gets rear ended and has to go to the shop. I took a short road trip over New Years and never got around to to cleaning the fast food bags out of it.

Uh-oh.

So today, on my way to work, a car had to slam on its brakes at a stop light. The car behind it slammed on their brakes. The car behind them hit their brakes. I slammed on mine. The car behind me didn't slam theirs on fast enough. My car got slammed into the one in front of me and they hit the car in front of them.

Awesome timing! I have classes starting on Tuesday and I'm not sure I'll be able to get a rental. I'm going to press for one, at least.

Unfortunately, this is not my first time at this rodeo, so allow me to give you some tips should you ever find yourself with your bumper locked up with an SUV.
1.) Call 911. If you live someplace with a non-emergency hotline, call that. But you need to call emergency services This wreck involved 4 cars and 7 people. One of the cars was leaking antifreeze, so we got the full complement of EMTs, fire truck, Department of Public Safety, and Highway Patrol. I ended up on the phone with 911 because of the 3 other cars, 2 were populated by teenagers.
2.) If your car can move, pull off the side of the road. If it doesn't move (which mine didn't), turn off your car, get out onto the side of the road once traffic clears up, and the back car needs to put on their blinkers.
3.) If your airbags didn't go off, don't go back in the car.
4.) Keep your registration, proof of insurance, and any other important documents in a folder in your glove box. I forgot to take this out of my car, but was able to get the firemen to pull it out for me. All the accident documentation and business cards go into the folder which I take with me wherever I go.
5.) Take photos. Your cell phone is fine, but make sure you have pictures. I got pictures of the back of my car, the front of the car that hit me, the two cars when they were locked together, the front of my car, the back of the car I hit, and the front of the car that I hit. The fourth car had no damage that anyone could see.
6.) If you're the one responsible for the accident, don't tell the people you hit that you're too short to reach the pedals of your SUV. Also, if your 17 year old is 5 feet tall, she probably shouldn't be driving a Lincoln Navigator.

Otherwise, it was actually a pleasant (relatively speaking) accident. The EMTs commented to me that they liked my accident because nobody was arguing or fighting with each other. That's the good thing about getting into an accident with teenagers, they don't tend to flip out too much about that stuff.

The best part of the accident? The tow truck drivers were making bets over which cars would be totaled. At one point, they turned on mine to check the mileage and the Glee cover of "And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going" came on super loud. The girl I rear ended complemented me on my good taste.

Anyway, I am called out of work to deal with the accident and will be spending the rest of the day sitting down and praying I don't actually have whiplash.

Things That Are Not Good

Sometimes things just all come together.

I'm hoping to do just a little bit toward cleaning and organizing each day as I am able. Today got off to a great start -- my boss is out of town and he needed a package taken to the FedEx office, so I got out of work early in order to drop it off, so I was able to get home pretty early. I was even kind of feeling a good mood and I was all about coming home and getting stuff to happen.

Yeah, the thing is, I was done with dinner by about 10 to 6. At 6 Central, A&E does two episodes of Criminal Minds. At 8 central, Ion shows God only knows how many episodes of Criminal Minds.

My day, so far, has been spent saying things like "NO! BAD IDEA REID!! Don't go in there!!"

I blame Matthew Grey Gubler and his shiny blond hair, myself.

Quick and Easy Breakfast

I'm a snooze button addict, so when I leave the house if I'm going to get breakfast it probably needs to be super fast. Usually, this means I'll maybe eat some peanut butter on toast in my car if I have time to prepare it in the morning. I have, however, discovered a way to make breakfast burritos that takes less time and doesn't leave crumbs on my sweater! There would be pictures except when I'm making this I'm usually pretty pressed for time. Sucks for you!

3 Minute Breakfast Burritos

1 Large egg
1 Small flour tortilla (corn works, too)
1-2 strips precooked bacon or sausage (optional)
Shredded cheese (optional, but recommended if you include the meat option)
Whatever seasonings you like in your scrambled eggs. I like a splash of milk and some salt and pepper, but shredded cheese and vegetables work here, too.

In a small juice glass, mix egg and egg seasonings with fork.
Put in the microwave for 1 minute on high or until egg mass is solid
Remove from microwave (careful, it'll be extremely hot)
This can be kept in the refrigerator over night if you're super lazy in the mornings.
Place bacon/sausage, cheese on tortilla. If egg is still hot, hold it out. Otherwise, use a fork to cut the egg into a few smaller pieces and place on tortilla.
Microwave for 30 seconds.
Wrap like a burrito (be sure to tuck the bottom under), then wrap in a paper towel and leave house.
Enjoy in car on way to work.